That may go on for awhile until Junior gets a job. Motivation to work is not necessarily conferred by one's college education that parents have paid for, is it? Now that the job market is better than it was a few years ago, one would think that it wouldn't be necessary for parents to dip into retirement savings to help adult children, but it does happen. If you are the parent, this habit of helping with no limitation can deplete your own retirement savings and impair your own investment strategy. Parents need to look at their personal motivation to assist financially and be conscious of what too persistent paying of kids' bills might do to the parents' own retirement plans.
Some of them try rejection. You have a right to take care of your own needs. It can go Dependent adult children far. Is your child in debt? Living with Dependent Personality Disorder: Understanding
Anial sex. Recognizing Dependent Personality Disorder Symptoms
My one brother attempted to choke me during this nightmare drama over my mother. Wow looks like my mother indeed codependent parent. My mother says thinks that she has done her best to raise us as a single mother and she has sacrificed a lot. They grew up with little parenting and direction, and therefore have tried to give my three sisters and I their all, which I am forever indebted to them. I Dependent adult children like my parents wouldn't have been able to handle having a Dependent adult children or an extroverted son. Now childrrn clubbing 4 nights a wk. Be true Dependent adult children yourself. We get in the car and I vhildren my mom, what would happen if she called again, then she said "You'd go to the Nude art couple pictures. She just does not have the energy to go down the building, go across the road to buy some food for herself. I mean come on!
Is your adult child just clingy, or is there something deeper going on?
- It's natural for parents to want to help and support their children.
- You can claim certain adults as your dependents, too, but it's subject to a lot of rules.
Saving for retirement? We talked to financial planners and therapists to get the best tips for handling this crucial transition. Ciprich , a certified financial planner with RegentAtlantic. The problem is that parents in or nearing retirement may have enabled this practice without setting aside enough to enjoy their own retirement years or set aside additional funds for future healthcare-related costs.
How did this problem begin? Probably from a place of love, but also from a place of painful attachment. Laura F. Dabney, MD , a psychiatrist and relationship therapist. When we refuse to let go, we prevent our children from learning the skills needed to be successful in life. We are hurting, not helping. You may have only meant the best by helping your kids financially, but enabling dependency only prevents them from becoming healthy, self-reliant adults.
If helping your kids is affecting your retirement goals, make a game plan for how to best reduce or eliminate financial aid. Be mindful not to pull the rug out from under their feet, but to inch it out gradually. The length of time will really depend on how much you're giving them each month. If you're completely supporting them, then they'll need six months to a year of notice. Ideally, you want your child to be in a better financial place by time the plug has been fully pulled.
But that may not materialize. Share with them how proud you are of everything they have already accomplished and that you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't believe they had the ability to support themselves.
Give them some space to take it all in and be prepared for both positive and negative responses to this new plan. Do they want you to call some of your friends about networking opportunities? Be OK with them saying 'no' and telling you they can do it on their own. You have a right to take care of your own needs. Follow better. Get the Better newsletter. Cautionary Tales The long-term career damage from not talking to your kids about money. Sign Up. Good Cents Should you save for your retirement or your kids' college?
Here's the math.
After reading this article and some of the comments, and many other articles on toxic parents, and codependent parents, and manipulating parents, and many "How to deal with She constantly reminds me that I owe her for being my mom and that my siblings and I are her only happiness. It might qualify as a business, with all the extra tax breaks How to track your tax refund Tax Deductions. This time it wasn't provoked by anything they did. No human being deserves to go through the hell of having a parent. Before the Affordable Care Act, many health plans and issuers could remove adult children from their parents' coverage because of their age, whether or not they were a student or where they lived. Don't make these dumb moves with your nest egg.
Dependent adult children. Child dependent tests
The tool is designed for taxpayers that were U. If married, the spouse must also have been a U. For information regarding nonresidents or dual-status aliens, please see International Taxpayers. Conclusions are based on information provided by you in response to the questions you answered. Answers do not constitute written advice in response to a specific written request of the taxpayer within the meaning of section f of the Internal Revenue Code.
ITA Home This interview will help you determine whom you may claim as a dependent. I've decided, I need to protect myself and do nothing that I might regret later. Wow looks like my mother indeed codependent parent. I always thought my mother was just crazy.
This article that I stumbled upon describes her to a T. I am sure my mother is codependent; she has 7 of those signs and I am not surprised. My sister and I have been having issues with our mother ever since we finished high school, and now we're in our early's.
She has some chronic illnesses, arthritis, migraine, osteoporosis, and she has had depression for somewhat years now. My sister and I can easily spend an hour talking how enjoyably it is to be with our mother. Her passive-aggressiveness, guilt trips, speaking ill of either one of us to the other, and the list goes on. I can deal with her issues quite well, I think, but my sister is the one who really does not give a sh!
A few years ago, my sister vented a bit and my mother just broke into tears and since then, we do not speak about it. My mother says thinks that she has done her best to raise us as a single mother and she has sacrificed a lot.
We appreciate everything she has done for us, but not that we are adults, we feel like she expects us to do the same in return. Be there for her, do her groceries, call the customer service when the Internet is down, and etc. She just does not have the energy to go down the building, go across the road to buy some food for herself.
It sounds ridiculous, right? This is a normal conversation between my mother and I: "Mom, do you have anything to eat at home? Every time I hear her say that, I feel terribly guilty. I go out downtown, try out new restaurants here and there, and when I do invite her out, she refuses saying it's too far, it's too crowded, and things.
She definitely knows how to be passive aggressive and she is quite good at guilt tripping. I am 42 years old and have parents that had me at 16 years old. I also have 2 younger brothers that they had in their 20's. Both parents are still married and both battled addiction.
My mother is in a methadone program that in my opinion has added to her mental illness. My mothers father did it with complete anger and disdain and my fathers father enabled due to losing a child very young which left him living in fear that he'd lose another. My brother and I have been stolen from, lied to and guilted since we are around 12 years old.
We've supported them financially since we are all in our teens. There has been no attempt for them to "fix" themselves. My mother has serious daddy issues and continuously defends my father as a man "that loves his children" regardless of how much he disrespects us. They do not respect boundaries and have done nothing to better themselves. They have serious entitlement issue and feel that they are victims. We have tried cutting ties and they go around telling family members that they love their children and they can't understand why we "hate" them.
The manipulation and constant mind "f""ck" have left us in a state of anger and anxiety. We are all successful considering what we endured, but continuously get guilted or stalked into lending money, our cars or whatever it is that they need at the moment. Every interaction with them has ends up in a screaming match. They don't get it. I try to avoid them, but then when I see other family members, the issue constantly comes up and some family members understand us wanting to keep a distance and others give us the guilt of "when you have kids you'll understand".
I suffered a miscarriage last year and I am convinced its due to the constant needs and stress that they put me through. They make me say and do things that I am not proud of , but I am left feeling like I am in a pressure cooker all the time. As far as my mother, I feel that the only thing that is important to her is the love of my father he of course cheated on her several times in their marriage. Its all a complete mess. My dad is extremely codependent.
Anywhere around the house I go, he goes. He has some hearing loss which he constantly uses as an excuse to not go out and interact or get a hobby, along with his excuse of being overweight.
He uses subtle manipulation all the time to keep me around like offering me money or making me feel guilty for wanting to go out with friends for a night. And when I need a break from being around him he calls his mother who lives distant away to rag on me.
He often talks about him being depressed and alone, having no one, etc. I get frustrated on a daily basis living with him since he always wants to be around me or hang out with me. I'm totally a codependent parent. I guilt and manipulate and yell at my kids. I honestly had no idea. Now what do I do? I think codependent aka narcissistic parents are very aware of what they are doing! And do not have their child best interest at heart at all. They are similar to psychopaths, they will use every tool necessairy to make people comply to their own selfish needs.
Just of curiosity, why do they HAVE to manipulate? Are they trying to avoid something? I'm not sure what the differences are between codependent and narcissistic parents. Either way it's not a good situation for anyone dealing with these relationships. I can't really relate to the stories on here about parents with their own mental illness.
I feel like my parents wouldn't have been able to handle having a daughter or an extroverted son. The disagreements I'm having with them now would've happened 20 years ago and the person would've moved in with someone else.
I was also born with deformities, so the control wasn't exactly holding me back from anything. Just had no idea that if I were still around at this age it'd actually get worse. It feels like an office environment at times, not a family. I tried to talk about my dad's behavior with him one time and he said "He's just saying that because you don't ignore him when I need help like I do.
Do you want this to go on for the rest of their lives? Or, how about the rest of yours? Studies have proven stress takes a toll on health. Don't let them ruin your health, life, and sanity. My mom did this to me for years. Well, last year she had a stroke. Who had to care for her? I did it with love and kindness.
That wasn't enough. Now she calls every day, several times a day saying I don't love her or I'd sit and visit. If she has company, she acts feeble, fraile, and makes me promise to not put her in a home. This past week I just started telling her i cannot and will not real with negativity or guilt trips. And I won't. Do yourself and future self a favor and remove yourself from the situation while you can. I've realized over the last couple of years that my relationship with my mother isn't normal, after a childhood of just thinking this is what loving parents are like, and that the mood swings and sudden explosions must be reasonable responses to how uniquely terrible her life apparently is.
From a young age, I felt the burden of trying to make her life better for her - making sure all the housework was done before she could do it and then complain about how tired she was, trying to diffuse arguments between her and my brother before they started as if it were my responsibility as a child to make sure that she as an adult didn't get too upset and end up doing something stupid.
Because that's her favourite manipulation; if things aren't as she would like, she is going to kill herself. And I always thought, if she DID kill herself, then that would be my fault so I had to do whatever she wanted in order to prevent it. Even now, I'm still stuck with this. I stupidly moved back in with her after university, and now I don't feel I can move out again because of the guilt she places on me. She talks about it like she needs me here, that I'm the one that makes her life bearable, that she is always so depressed and at the end of her rope although she refuses to seek any professional help, preferring to place it on my shoulders.
I don't feel I'm at a place yet where I can get out of this situation without feeling guilty and scared of what might happen. But at least learning about the dynamics of our relationship, and that other people suffer this too, I feel like it's not impossible to be free of this. My mom is still so immature halfway through her life that it must be hardwired into her.
I wish she had never existed. A lot of people commenting are confusing narcissistic personality disorder with dependency. They are not the same thing.
Often the codependent is the result of a narcissistic parent and although they can be manipulative, they actually do have empathy, are capable of change if they realise they have it and love their children. All of them explains my daily life. I watched the video and it pained me cause all of the signs are the same descriptions I go threw in life and even to this day I deal with this non sense. I've always been the scape goat and it's definitely a hard and horrible life. I've been to counseling to get help only to realize that I'm not the sick one all these years I was made to feel crazy or ill myself.
Why do parents project such unhealthy ideas on children. I have never had a best friend or a normal life. I wonder what it feels like I envy them. I secretly wish I was loved and wanted by my parents. My parents want me for only what I can give them they have no real interest in seeing me be happy. They expect me to stay home and have no life and no friends.
Or go to work. I find myself want it to be at work. I have two children they take care of while I'm at work. I feel trapped cause in have no partner and no real people to talk to I feel like I'm my own best friend who never lets herself down , I'm so tired mentally from these people.
I read other comments and I can say you're not alone and I feel sad that others go threw this , mental health does and should be recognized cause were only human. I'm tired of the generations of denial and it needs to stop. I have had issues with co-dependent parents, especially my mother, for years now but it was never as bad as it has been recently.
This article has really opened my eyes to the situation and a lot of these signs are exact descriptions of what I go through. I have been married for less than 2 years. We have our baby's baptism coming up and the whole event has become about my mother and how it will fit into her life. Never mind that we tried to find a date that would work for majority of the family and especially the godparents Above all else that has been mentioned above, my parents give me physical and mental complexes in vain hope that I will miraculously change in an instant, much like bullying only though they express it in a hysterical way.
It discourages me to live any further and being the cotton-wrapped child I have been my life, I was never able to have a social life and therefore being the antisocial person, I would see the people around me get girlfriends or boyfriends and for me to be lonely. This article blew me away Thank you for the insight and everyone else for their comments. I have a codependent mother.
It is so hard dealing with her. Ever since I was a little girl she would get overdramatic over somethiNg so trivial and would always let me defend her. It breaks my heart everytime especially at times when I honestly don't know how to deal with adult problems yet I have to find solutions because she would say things like it's better for her to jump off a bridge or whatnot. I must admit it is so hard to deal with a codependent parent.
I often hide in the toilet and cry my eyes out because I get exhausted all the time. Even a siMple text message she gets she would asks me what to reply. As simple question like, "how are you. He was a lion. And I miss him ef everyday. I miss having someone stronger than me.
Especially on days when I don't have the energy to fight. Does anyone still live with one or both of their parents as an adult? I imagine it being difficult when you have your own life and getting unexpected phone calls or having them drop by unexpectedly, but it's a lot different when you live with them and they change the narrative to suit their needs. If you have a problem even a physical illness, it doesn't exist or "no one wants to hear about it.
If you get them in a group situation with a professional, they say "We try to get him. I honestly don't think either one of them are aware of their behavior. I've been reading that parents like this were probably treated this way by their parents, but I'm not sure.
My mom was at least allowed to leave the house when she was younger and moved out in her late teens or early twenties. I don't have the life skills but this is who they are anyway. It just so happens that I have these problems and my siblings are also introverted. Life would already be difficult even if you waved a magic wand over my parents and they were better versions of themselves.
This is just a sick joke though. It feels like I'm living in an office environment. Sounds familiar. My father is an alcoholic and my mother is codependent. Im 33 now and I truly am exhausted of both of them.
If my alcoholic father says hurtful things to me, shes dealt with worse Im not married, I have no children and I often think maybe its better this way. I would hate to be a bad mother. From the outside you would never know what I deal with.
Im usually very outgoing and social. Her calling me crying about something just brought back so many messed up memories. Memories that I cant shake off My parents are exactly what you are describing. My parents had always been codependent but I had never gone through any situation that made me suffer from it.
Until I decided I wanted to study abroad for six months with some college friends. They never liked the idea, thought it was stupid, risky and that I was an idiot for choosing that and missing out job opportunities during those months. They also thought I wouldn't be under their control so I shouldn't go.
I honestly thought about this a lot, for over seven months, I read and asked a lot of people about its pros and cons. Until I finally convinced myself it was what I truly wanted for my life. I had my heart set on it. My parents freaked out. They always thought I wouldn't do it.
I wasn't going to ask them for money of course they had told me they wouldn't give me a dollar. But that was. They could not accept that their daughter was doing something they didn't think was good. But up to that point, even though the arguments and fights were intense and they always ended up yelling, I still felt I could choose.
So when they realised I had finally made my choice, which wasn't the one they expected, they started with their manipulative tactics. Just two weeks before I had to go I had already bought the flight ticket my mom started crying saying I was dead to her. She didn't want me to call her or ever talk to her ever again.
And after that, my dad told me one of the worst things he could have ever told me and that I will never forget nor forgive. He killed me. I couldn't believe he could say such a hurtful thing to me.
He wanted me to feel extremely guilty for wanting something they didn't want. The problem with manipulative and codependent parents is that they create this unhealthy relationship which they cannot see. They think they are doing what is right and that someday I will understand. And the truth is I won't. I am living a life that is not what I chose, even though I am 23 and I could have financed that trip on my own. That is destructive for our relationship. How can I ever forgive them for forcing me to live a life I did not choose?.
I never meant to hurt anyone with this choice. I never thought they would take it this far. But I do know that when I am older I will regret not having done it. And that also hurts. I really hope we can all all learn from our parents' mistakes and be better with our children, let them choose what makes them happy. I was mind-blown when I came across these 8 signs. It was as if someone was describing every aspect of my relationship with my mother in detail.
This post has helped me understand the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship - it's very difficult to understand what is happening when it's the only thing one has known their whole life! I am in the process of establishing boundaries and experiencing an uphill battle, specifically tantrums thrown by my mother where my friends, loved ones, and members of our community are brought into these embarrassing discussions via email, phone, social media, etc with the purpose of getting what she wants.
I only wish I would have been aware of this years ago I am now in my thirties and have had many issues that were a direct cause of these unhealthy interactions including depression, anxiety, and personality insecurities. All of course have had a negative effect on personal and work relationships. I strongly encourage everyone that is in a similar relationship dynamic to act as soon as possible and take control of your life.
I'm 16 now, but I've been aware of my mother's codependency issues for quite some time, even since my father divorced her. I've told her how I felt like my life wasn't worth living and she disregarded it repeatedly, she didn't even tell my father that I needed help. I'm home bound with her all day and she doesn't seem to care, she asks me if I'm ready to re-attend college but never offers me any solutions. I've literally thought about doing that for myself, because she would never conjure up such a gesture.
I don't remember the last time she did something for me that I hadn't asked her to twenty times first. I do everything for myself now, and she'll still complain about trifling things like a single wrapper not in the trash. I'm living independently, but I'm doing everything for her. I've given up on my own life as a result of her giving up on hers. I've had to be independent all this time, but my life has become a total catastrophe in the process.
I'd be happy to chip in, but why on earth does she leave everything to me? A classic example from a few years ago is when I nipped into a local boutique to grab a birthday present. It was c. Btw, she is completely capable of getting out to shops herself. I explained that I was in and out as no time for browsing or wondering around the village — plus it was out of my way to pick her up just for such a quick visit to a shop. She was horrible to me. Had those since I was a teenager and am now When I caught my husband of three years having a major sexual and emotional affair end Nov.
I was amazed at her sympathetic response to be honest esp. Paranoia seems to be another of her traits. I could be being unfair on that one. I told her I wanted one Saturday off a month and she called me selfish. The latest, last Friday, I went to the pub opposite where I live and the battery on my mobile went flat.
Got in the house and shortly after the landline rang. I must that admit. At the time, I think that I meant it which makes me ashamed as I am a Christian. I called her Saturday night but got one word answers.
She forgets to do that and instead launches into a rage. I want to check on her as I worry, as she is 88 but the thought of another hard telephone conversation fills me dread. She makes me feel like child. I really appreciate your post. What beautiful comments despite such terrible circumstances. Your heart is in the right place. I just wish I'd known this information years ago.
I figured it wouldn't matter with my problems but I also had better life skills when I was younger compared to now. Either my life would've improved or I would've crashed but not under their authority. It's either that or become part of the system and have absolutely no independence. Homelessness isn't really an option either because I live in the middle of nowhere. One thing that'd help is if they both took a vacation, but I'm lucky to get maybe a few hours of alone time.
I'm sorry for anyone who has to deal with this kind of control. Living at home makes it tougher but I imagine it's just as bad when you have your own life but you're getting calls from them left and right. I'm not sure what causes this type of parenting. Neither of my parents were overprotected. My mom's implied that my grandfather was tough but I know that her and her brothers and sisters weren't kept on tight leashes.
She's a lot easier to deal with than my father who basically has no redeeming qualities. I have parents that have traits of some disorders. I paid a good amount for counseling and felt some freedom in just being able to articulate my experiences. Ultimately I have to change on my own by asking God for help because I know what a mess I am. I have accepted who they are and have let go of expectations. I don't want to diagnose them myself, but I can say my mom has traits of a co-dependent and borderline personality or bi-polar.
My dad has traits of narcissism and co-dependency. My dad has enabled her emotional volatility and alcoholism. As many have explained about their own parents, they are also loving and caring. No one would describe them as bad or mean. But they have been destructive, nevertheless. Holidays and family gatherings are my mom's worst time of manipulation and control. She expects everything to be perfect.
No one can make an expression she doesn't like. She spends without any budget in mind, although they're on a small fixed income. If anyone tries to rein in her spending by saying we don't need all the food and gifts, she will cry or say she's going to do it anyway.
It seems nice, but it's clearly another way to salve the wounds in her soul. It's either that, or alcohol, or some other distraction. I've talked to them both about how they are hurting me deeply, and they respond by cutting off communication for long periods. I do not ask for an apology or tell them how their actions in the past hurt me. There's no point. I've just asked them not to share details of their marital problems which they've done since I was a toddler or send me hateful texts with cuss words and horrendous accusations.
They will stop for a time until they feel that I'm over it, and then they do it all again. They have a way of messing with my mind and making me feel like they're digging at my soul. They're hurt deeply inside, so they can't break free permanently from their behavior. It's sad for me because I wish my parents could have been part of my life in a wholesome way, but they just cannot do it.
I ask God to fill up that loneliness in my heart and to help me grow because I am still unable to respond to them with love and maturity. I've just read this and showed it to my brother. He asked did I write it.
It describes our mother to a tee. It makes heartening and horrible reading in equal measures. I'm so glad to be able to put a name to what it is we experience, but find it massively upsetting that it happens, and other people have suffered it to the point that it has a label and a webpage s about it. I am currently suffering from a major bout of depression and was hospitalised for a week just before Christmas because of it.
My mother's response to this has been centred around her and she shouts at me when we try to discuss things. She is Irish and says its just her manner. She is quite simply impossible to deal with. My brother and I agreed that it is like being in an abusive relationship. I would really like her to read this page. Has anyone on this forum ever shared this with their person and what was the outcome?
My mother is extremely manipulative, and my father is both manipulative and abusive. I'm now blamed for ruining Christmas because apparently I didn't smile "enough" when opening my present. And now she's spreading the word of how ungrateful I am, how I don't love her, and then she got family friends to turn on me. I seriously have no where to go, and I'm bloody annoyed at all the lies she's told. She's twisting stories, twisting my words, I thought when I escaped one abusive parent, I would never have to deal with it again.
Sorry for the late response. I think myopic is a better word to describe both of my parents. I don't think either of them are aware of what they're doing which makes it worse.
Being intentionally controlled isn't any better but it would have been easier for a professional to spot years ago. A mom that cares too much might have just made her come off as concerned and slightly overprotective instead of what it really was and still is.
My parents bought me a video game system for christmas. The problem with this is i'm in my 30s and haven't played video games since middle school.
They knew i didn't want anything. I'm also a minimalist anyway. I tried to stay out of the gift exchanging but they told me to come down. Now i'm being blamed for ruining christmas. Shows you how clueless they are. Like buying a gift could make up for all of the passive aggressive side comments and control. They told me they had to search all over the place for it. Now i'm being pinned as the abuser. I don't have the greatest people skills but i wouldn't spend hundreds of dollars on a gift i know someone would never want then blame them for not being able to keep a poker face.
I'm just sick of this. I have a mother that makes me fly back and forth by plane to university and back every week. Its been hard. I am her world and I just thought it'll be healthy for me and her to be apart for awhile. She visits me every 2 weeks, therefore I see her 9 out of 14 days, and I'm by myself every 5 days. I have siblings but there id no offset.
Therapists are useless. Everyday, I'm deciding whether I should surrender or runaway. She has a tragic past so there's lots of room to play victim. I'm at the edge trying to figure which is best to do. We both want opposite things. One would indeed have to suffer. I love my mum, it'sad and laughable. I understand what you are saying about others not seeing it. Your mom is probably narcissistic which makes her a good manipulator.
Narcissistic people can put on a good show to anyone outside of family that truly know them. Why is it that therapists have no idea about codependent or narcissistic parenting? I tell them what's going on in my house and they just listen and don't ask any further questions.
Parents like mine want their adult children to live with them forever and then complain about them living at home. I wonder what would have happened if they'd had a daughter or an assertive son instead of me and my other sibling. They wouldn't have known what to do because they would have stood up to them at a much younger age. Sorry if I'm venting, but it's frustrating when no one steps in. My dad's an emotionally abusive prick even to my mom and he walks around guilt free while I'm having panic attacks.
My mom gets mad at me when I give it right back to him. TL:DR: If you have the life skills, assert independence as early as possible or you'll be stuck forever. Saved my sanity. Now I'm not going to go therapy for this.
I know its okay to let go of them permanently without the accompanying guilt. Now time to just move on with life.
Wow I knew something was up with my mom. We have the worst relationship. This was a veg informative and good article, thank you. I just wish I knew how to handle my mother bc she is becoming unbearable and literally makes me depressed. Oh well. I talked to a professional who told me that my father's actions qualify as abuse.
Not only the verbal insults and stonewalling, but also raising a hand to any of us shows intent even if he never actually hits anyone. I'm glad I found this article and some of the accompanying links. Sometimes I let my guard down because either he isn't home or he's nice for a short period of time. Looking back on it he's always made these comments to everyone in the family.
Seeing his actions get progressively worse forced me to talk to someone else about it. We also spend a lot of time together whereas my father's made no effort to get to know me as a person and shut down any talk about anything important. I'm not going to report it yet because there's a lot to think about and a lot of potential dominoes to fall that affect everything else. My mom has both codependent and narcissistic traits. Used to live through my problems, now she blames me for her problems.
Then if I try to establish independence she turns back into codependent. Dad is definitely a narcissist. Never thought it described him because he doesn't really like attention and doesn't have any friends outside of work. The only people that see it are me and everyone in the house. Verbally insulting. Never admits he's wrong about anything. Blames us for other people's mistakes. Cares what the neighbors think even though he doesn't talk to them.
One thing that's helped me is separating my own issues from their behavior. Sometimes it's easy to think "I deserve it" but they're the same way with my other siblings and they'd have the same personalities regardless.
This article describes my mother's behavior as of recently to a T. Glad I read the comments so I could. Yep this is a narcissist. Describes my own mother. Not codepenant at all I hope people searching for info bother to read the comments.
Who ever wrote is either a narcissist themselves or has no clue what they are talking about. Amy is correct. This is describing Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is my 99 year old mother who, even now, makes my life miserable. I am 61 and exhausted. Frail in body, maybe, but totally evil. I am 48 years old and struggled for years of dealing with everything listed in the above article plus many issues not covered.
My mother would 'rewrite' our childhood history to perhaps sound better than it really was which is pointless and many times inaccurate according to timelines due to the age differences in my siblings and myself. I don't know why it necessary to embellish our history to make it seem 'better' when the truth is what gave us humility.
However, the abuse and trauma she would rather I leave in the past all together and she doesn't acknowledge any of it, and there was plenty to cover. Enough for me to seek therapy and decide I could no longer play 'Good Little Daughter' any longer. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband of 26 years that has helped me through this journey and I have found a fantastic tribe of supportive friends one being my sister that have stuck with me through something a lot of people just don't generally understand.
I don't expect anything of the rest of my family. This was my decision for my healing. I forgive. I love. But I can't forget. I'm 23 years old and I have a crippled 60 year old father that I still live with. Mom took off claiming that my dad was all of these things when I was 7 years old and dad made her out to be an evil woman for it. Dad raised me homeschooled which was really no schooling at all. I tested at 17 for a GED so I could go out and start working, I didn't have much of a choice because my dad hasn't worked since I was 14 and we were on the verge of losing our house and going completely bankrupt.
He always said he was too crippled from a lifetime of hardwork to continue working. I always thought that the right thing to do was to take care of him since he took care of me, I worked myself crazy for many years and saw no personal benefit out of it.
Finally I worked myself up to where I am now, I'm an oilfield worker on a 7 on and 7 off schedule making plenty of money to go out and finally live life instead of working 6 on 1 off like I did at my last job. I make plenty of money to continue paying down the mortgage I inherited and even stash some away.
However My dad hasn't gotten off the couch for 6 years now Occasionally he might cook or clean the house up a little but thats it. No helping out with the financial situation, Which even that would be fine but everytime I try to make plans or go do something I get guilted into staying home with him, Or something else comes up to stop me from going out and actually living a life. I would love to move out and just live on my own, but He's now been a Diabetic for 8 years and isn't really dealing with it in a healthy manner.
He does have trouble walking which is why I don't begrudge him for not working. I don't want to leave and have him lose his house that isn't paid off for yet, Nor do I want to see him get sick or fall down and hurt himself without someone being there.. Feels like i'm left with the decision of either throwing away his life or throwing away my own life. Not sure what to do.. Best of luck to anyone out there who is dealing with issues that pertain to this subject.
I know first hand how hellish it can be. Thank you very much for posting this. It was like you wrote this just for me. I have been struggling with my codependent mother, especially as an adult. I am 45 years young. LOL I am an only child. She always put me down, comparing me to other people, harping about my weight, my grades despite being a straight A student , my career choices.
I even graduated top of my class in college summa cum laude and yet that wasn't good enough. She didn't even attend my graduation, because she was embarrassed that the college that I graduated from didn't have a "good name. She refused to attend that graduation, saying that grad school was a waste of time. She has done everything that she can to maintain control. First, it was financially, holding on to my inheritance, which I finally gave up fighting for. After she sent a very nasty text message, I blocked her on my social media and phone.
But she has persisted on finding ways to get in touch with me. I have changed my email address and am about to change my phone number. She is so controlling. I feel bad for her at times, but know that I cannot keep the cycle going. I doubt that I'll speak to my mother again, but I know that I'm doing the right thing.
I don't want my daughter around someone so manipulative. All 59 years I am her only daughter and have three living brothers all within a 30 mile radius of each other. My mother was diagnosed with dementia and then the grief begins. My brothers and in laws and nieces and even my one daughter 38 all ganged up on me. I was her POA and doing everything the POA was supposed to do, I tried relentlessly to have a meeting with my brothers and they refused. Saying there is nothing wrong with her and she just has short term memory loss, she is Now my mother and I have always had a rough relationship, she simply does not know how to Love.
For years I would do anything and everything to try and get her to love me. To fill that void I have been longing for since I was a child. She blamed me for everything. She always protected my brothers. She and my daughter are very close. She shows favoritism to her over all her other grandkids. My daughter and I used to be close. I tried to express my hurt over all of this.
And it kept getting pushed back on me. My other daughter gets treated like crap by her. Always has. Her and her sister have no relationship. Well, my daughter her favorite is now her POA. I got thrown under the bus by my entire family with exception of my one daughter. Now the estranged daughter lost her house and has moved in with my mother. She is married I paid for her entire wedding she has a 2 year old son that I have been stripped from seeing. My heart is broken beyond belief.
I live alone with my four legged best friend. And still after all of this non-healthy toxic crap I am standing. Had cancer twice and currently in remission. My doctors want me to remain as stress free as possible.
My one brother attempted to choke me during this nightmare drama over my mother. They wanted me out. I believe my mother is a game player too. She tells stories. Untruthful ones about me and they believe her hook line and sinker. My aunts my moms sisters, no better. They know I would never do something like that. They know all I have done for her etc. I truly think my mother is sick and not only with dementia. Her whole family is dysfunctional.
However, my heart remains broken. I ask myself why are you still yearning for your mother and daughter to love you? I think that makes me co dependent perhaps. My mother years and years ago blamed me for my father divorcing her. I was only 21 then. I took on the guilt and kept trying to find her approval of me. In this whole mess my daughter latched on to her. And I truly believe she floats over all of this.
I wish I knew why? I may never know why. My family refused to talk to me. And just yesterday my ED moved in to her home. Why am I hurting so much. I do seek therapy over this mess. I am putting my focus on the one daughter and grandkids who do love me.
However I still have a hole there. I think of the kindness I have given to my mother and my ED. All I wanted in return was respect. My cancer did not bring our family closer.
That may go on for awhile until Junior gets a job. Motivation to work is not necessarily conferred by one's college education that parents have paid for, is it? Now that the job market is better than it was a few years ago, one would think that it wouldn't be necessary for parents to dip into retirement savings to help adult children, but it does happen.
If you are the parent, this habit of helping with no limitation can deplete your own retirement savings and impair your own investment strategy. Parents need to look at their personal motivation to assist financially and be conscious of what too persistent paying of kids' bills might do to the parents' own retirement plans. When our children get into financial messes and we have means, we want to help.
It may be natural for us, as we've taken care of our kids all their lives. But too much dependency from them on us is not healthy for either. Dependency typically comes from a desire to feel needed, an emotional place. It can go too far. When parents pay for adult children's rent, transportation, cell phones and student debt from their own savings, which they will need in their later years, it sets up one of those disasters of aging many fear: running out of money.
We can't act as if it could never happen. When adult children get too used to depending on parents to give them money or pay their bills, they can easily become unmotivated to make their own way, taking responsibility for their own financial needs.
And when parents get too accustomed to simply paying for what adult kids are spending, we may lose track of what it is doing over time.
That is where a parent needs to be conscious of the danger of being generous to one's own detriment. Even when illness, divorce or other factors are in play, there is still a need for limits. With my own kids, upon graduation from college they were informed by my husband and me that they were welcome to come home if they didn't have work right away. However we set a 90 day limit on that arrangement.
After that it was move out, figure it out, get roommates, or pay rent to your parents for the privilege of staying in the home with us. In other words, setting a limit on generosity did work. From the perspective of one with significant experience in working with families of aging parents at AgingParents.
When caregiving is needed and costs rise, there isn't enough to keep making donations to that unemployed son or daughter who has never quite managed to earn enough to support one's self. Letting them stay for free indefinitely in the family home can be dreadful when an aging parent needs to sell the home to pay for assisted living or other care. Some parents have had to actually have the police evict their middle aged, non-earning, stuck adult child from the home--a nightmare no one wants. There are ways to provide for disabled adult children or any disabled person via Special Needs Trusts.
An experienced estate planning attorney can help. Giving money to our kids can give us a good feeling. That's fine. Just don't take it too far. The unhealthy result of too much leads to dependency and to your own possible financial destruction in your later years. If you want those years to be golden, watch over your gold. Somehow, despite the recession at that time, they managed to be self supporting within the allotted time frame.
I'm a California girl, born and raised here, with an abiding interest in health issues and particularly, healthy aging. I have always loved working with older people, pr Father and daughter RF Carolyn Rosenblatt.